Mama, I love you.
Oh Mama… thank you for your love today. Spending time wandering in your energy, feeling your beauty holding me. Your sand between my toes, the smell of your forest and ocean in the air. It felt good to be held.
It’s easy for me to feel pained or confused, as my birth mother wasn’t there for me enough. But I am choosing to believe that was so I could more easily slide into recognizing that YOU are my Mother. The ground beneath my feet. The air I breathe. The energy and life all around me. That is you – my Mama.
Today visiting you, I was captivated with your beauty. The array of pastel colors in the sky, reflecting in the joyful ripples of the water. Your gentle crooning to me with the water lapping against the stones, with vibrant greenery growing from them and swaying in the water. Your whispers of love as the wind blew through the trees, and your gentle caress on my face with your breeze. I closed my eyes, feeling my emotions. When I asked if you loved me, and if I was enough, the waves suddenly crashed louder, and the warm sun shone on my face, as the clouds moved aside. I smiled and felt special and loved by you Mama. I was breathing you in, lounging in your lap, feeling held and loved.
Then you invited me to come play with you, and so I got on a paddle board and paddled way out into your waters. The mountains were layered in blue and gold, shadow and light. I breathed and moved, feeling so special to be floating atop your waters, feeling closer to you. It felt like a secret, special place that was just ours, neither in the water or on land, and right underneath the sky. The sun shining down through complex and colorful clouds, the gentle bobbing of the waves.
Looking ahead, I saw what I thought was a blue heron, a special bird for me. But as I came closer, I saw it was the tip of a log, with a small bird perched atop it. The log was so giant, that as it floated, the top stuck out like a buoy, and the rest of it barely moved. I paddled closer, touching the log, marveling at its size and weight, and wondered why it had been cut down, and what it was doing here. I felt remorse for the way we humans treat you with such disregard and disrespect, and I apologized for us… it was all I could do.
Then, with the sun shining down on me, the mountains and ocean all around me, and the sky a dancing tapestry, I sat upon the board, my feet dangling in your cool waters. And we spoke. You listened to me… to my fears and pains. I shared about my pain from my childhood, and my pain and confusion now. You held me as I spoke aloud, my words merging into the ocean like falling drops of rain.
I feel so grateful Mama, that our love is such that as you answered, your voice resonated within me.
“You are held, you are loved, you are enough, always. And in all ways.” Tears sprung to my eyes.
But what about ‘this’ feeling and ‘that’ challenge? As I felt doubt about my worthiness, I thought “if I am not enough, then topple me into the water”. So I stopped balancing, giving up control. and at that moment the waves slowed and I stayed on the board. I smiled gratefully at your love and patience, and assurance that I am indeed enough.
So we talked it out and came up with some agreements:
That I will do the things I need to, so I can feel energized and embodied, every day.
That I will find time, even if for only five minutes, to connect with you every day.
That I will not allow myself to sink into feelings of feeling not enough, and the above two practices will assist me. And if I am sliding into that pattern, to catch myself and change tracks to embody, connect and express.
You then assured me that my manifestations are being modified and my prayers are being answered. You reminded me to trust and be patient. Just like the soil awaits the promise of the rain from the thunder clouds.
Thank you Mama… I love you.