Leaning into Loneliness

It’s easy to feel alone inside. It’s natural really, when the many different parts of you are fragmented and left behind.

When you remember your childhood objectively, like you’re watching a movie. The different experiences of pain, or loneliness, creating another fork in your being. And at the end of each of those roads sits your lost little self, a child left behind. The emotional essence of your many selves are scattered throughout time and space, fragments of your psyche, pieces of your heart, scattered.

For indeed the memories are like watching a movie, because that piece of your being who lived and absorbed those experiences is no longer with you. So of course it’s easy to feel lonely inside, when many rich, dynamic pieces of you are lost and left behind.

I used to believe the solution lay with others. When I felt lonely, I hoped they would keep me company. When I felt lost, I hoped they would show me the way. When I would feel the pain of separation, I hoped union with them would heal it all. But it’s like an unquenchable thirst, or a bird trying to meet its own reflection; connection with others is not what I am truly seeking or what will fill me again. I’ve been battered and bruised attempting that, and yet didn’t see the truth of my lostness, couldn’t find the correction.

For I am seeking to gather the children of my being, the pieces of my heart, the threads of my soul. It is not an easy journey, nor is it without pain, but it is what I must do.

Going back through the meandering roads and paths, climbing over hills and peering under rocks, and finding the lost parts of me. Greeting them with love and affection. Embracing and listening to them. Holding and honoring them, loving and protecting them. Adopting them into my home of NOW, so that they can be a part of the big family of aliveness within my being, all sitting around the table together, talking and playing, and enjoying each other‘s company. Because they were lost and now they’re being reunited. They had both a need and a gift. Now their need is being fulfilled, their gift is being given, and my inner home begins to echo with their joyful voices. This is my journey to becoming whole, and I treasure our magic moments together.